What I believe: god

I’m trying to sort out what I believe about various things so I can flesh them out and explore them a little more. This is a draft.

You might call it coincidence

…but I’m not so sure.

I’ve come across some posts from Hemet that go along way in addressing some of the spiritual malaise I’ve been feeling.

The first place I found it was from the Netjer & Ma’at and Ma’at & Personal Responsibility letters that I had the good fortune of re-discovering through someone else’s blog.

A couple of notes of interest (emphasis mine):

We do not have the luxury of omnipotent deities that are either pulling all the foreordained strings anyway, or will “fix it” for us. The gods and goddesses expect us to be responsible children and do what is right, so that the right will return to us and multiply and benefit everyone. Netjer does not intervene in the troubles of mankind not because It doesn’t care, but because It has, in Its wisdom, already provided a mechanism by which Its creation can ultimately check itself: the process of Ma’at.

Wehem: Netjer & Ma’at Shomu III, Week 2, Year 6

And yet:

…this also doesn’t mean Kemetic Orthodoxy has a naive worldview in which as long as we are faithful and “good” nothing bad will ever happen to us. Being children of Netjer, while the best gift we could ever expect to be given, doesn’t grant immunity from bad times; according to our mythology, even the Names of Netjer Themselves occasionally are affected by the unexpected or the sinister, in the form of the Nameless One, the Uncreated, which is outside the universe and therefore cannot be controlled by Ma’at. Occasionally, it may get in and disrupt, manifesting in “evil” in our lives and our societies.

Wehem: Ma’at & Personal Responsibility Shomu III, Week 3,  Year 6

I still have questions, but I’m a lot closer to the answer now that I’ve remembered to look for the answers.

The other issue that has been bothering me is why I feel such a disconnect from Netjer. Usually when it happens I end up realizing that I’m depressed. But I’m not. So why?

An answer came in a post from Hemet in response to some questions from another member of the temple. I can’t quote directly from that area, but to paraphrase, the relationships with the gods grow, change, get comfortable, or distant. The gods aren’t omnipotent, though they seem to be because they are so much more powerful and bigger than us. And silence from the gods isn’t a sign of being forgotten by them, they’re there even if I don’t notice.

I noticed a my posts went “A year without seut” to “The slide into agnosticsm” and I can tell you that is almost definately not a coincidence.

A beautiful sky

Once again it is “Moomas”, the feast of Establishing the Celestial Cow. The story comes from The Book of the Celestial Cow, which I wrote about here.

This is one of my favourite myths, and favourite holidays. The meaning, symbology, and story are just so magical and beautiful.

Blood on the Motorway

Blood on the Motorway by DJ Shadow. Lyrics are below the cut.

This song never fails to grab me. It reminds me of Wesir at the beginning, and that while things are fleeting, there are eternal things that are more important…and not to let the inconsequential things get in the way of them.

It’s after midnight here. It’s silent, a bit cold. Everything outside is thickly blanketed in snow. I happened on this song and it seemed like a message.

death, snow & chaos

In the winter twilight, everything is covered by a deep cover of snow. I doubt snow ever fell in Egypt, but walking in it always makes me feel close to some of the Names.

Wesir, the dead god who lives: everything in the ground is dead, but the potential for new growth still lives. Wesir is the force the of the black (fertile) land, and as Sokar-Wesir he is the potentiality for life that is inert, just before live is sparked anew.

Nebt-het, friend of the dead. The peace of the snow, the quiet hush that falls. The changed landscape. The harshness that is full of beauty.

Set, lord of chaos and changes. The routines that are spun like cars on ice, forcing us to reconsider how we normally do things. Car accidents and upset schedules and neighbours helping each other out.

the slide into agnosticsm

Sometimes it is very hard to believe.

A year without senut

Year 15 is over, and I did not do senut once. Not one time. Oh, I prayed and offered and did other things. I even bought a new shrine cabinet and a new main shrine statue.

I described this past year’s lessons as “boot camp for the body, mind, and soul” in my livejounral, and I still think that’s a pretty apt description. I learned some hard (and valuable lessons), and had more contact with Netjer than I ever had before.

I’m terrible for trying to keep things (Names, concepts) in boxes. It’s hard for me not to, and I think interacting with the Names outside of senut and its rituals helped with that. I don’t feel guilty, so much as I wonder what other intense experiences I’ve missed out on,

Over Wep Ronpet I reconsidered becoming w’abet-Aset. Originally I was pretty gung-ho about it after becoming a Shemsu-Ankh, but I came to a decision (upon waking one morning) that I didn’t think I that I’m cut out to be a w’ab priest. I got out of bed, tripped, landed in front of my shrine and was given the message:

You WILL become a w’ab. Obey.

Ummm…okay? I felt held down. I think one of my sisters-in-Aset (Merit) has had at least one similar experience with Aset, but holy crap, I sure haven’t!  Well, until this. I verbally gave assent that I heard the message. I think it was a squeak.

I await your acquiescence.

Again, it wasn’t words words that I “heard”.I’m not sure what will happen to me when/if that happens.

Six years ago

At approximately 7:45pm PST I had my divination with Hemet.

<Nisut_AUS> You have a Mother and Three Beloveds, Nekhtet!

At the time I was completely overwhelmed with having three Beloveds, heh.

I re-read the text of my divination, and there’s a lot in there that I had forgotten that is powerful. It struck me again how profound and meaningful the experience was.

Six years ago I came home, into the open arms of a loving community, and into a new relationship with my gods.

Dua Aset! Nekhtet!

Bawy Year & Nebthet

The Bawy Year has been interesting for me. I’ve gotten to know Heru-wer a lot better; in fact I’m surprised at how much He’s around. Set not so much, but we seem to have an understanding that if I work on what I need to work on, He’ll be satisfied.

Heru-wer has been on me for lessons that apparently my Mother is not getting through to me with. Truth be told, Aset has seemed quite distant this (Kemetic) year; Heru-wer, Nut, and Sekhmet have been at the forefront of things for me. Once this would have panicked me, but now I think I can take it in stride.

Heru-wer and Sekhmet are teaching me about strength of character/being strong/being who I am and prioritizing my life to be what I want it to be. Things have really come together over the past few weeks. I really started to ‘hear’ Them when I learned They sent me the netjeri. I definitely feel the birds when I’m being strong, and when I waver. I was told they were sent to ”keep me safe’. Originally my definition of “safe” was safe from physical harm, but I think they’re keeping me safe to grow, be strong, and be myself.

On just this side of sleep, when I’m more likely to get a message from Netjer Heru-wer told me He has been around to teach me to “use the backbone your Mother gave you” and “be more of Aset’s child”. I think I know what He means, heh.

Since Nebthet became a new Beloved, She nearly faded right off my radar. I was starting to have doubts about the divination; did She say yes simply because I asked? However, a few weeks ago I had what had to be one of the most intense experiences ever…from Her.

I remember Hemet describing Aset and Nebthet as “Super Intense Goddess #1 and Super Intense Goddess #2″, and yeah, Nebthet is “super intense”.

Things Wesir said last night & things Aset said this afternoon

I asked Wesir before falling asleep last night “why did Aset tell me to ask You about Odin?”

“We know about death and changes. You’re a child of changes. You can’t sit still. Everything has to change, or at least come around again. We both sacrificed for something more, and you have, and you will again. But there’s a better way that what you do sometimes. Odin can teach you some of his heka . (He didn’t use the work heka, it was something unintelligible.) You don’t have to. But He is there.“

And, on unrelated notes:

“We’re not just about death and dying. Cycles of life, changes, and growth are Our kingdom. We have more to show you than death.”

“Listen for a message from My Mother…She carries truth.”

Aset said:

“You want to have knowledge even when it’s going to hurt you. Truly, you want to know everything just for the sake of knowing. If you accept responsibility for the pain it may bring you, then you may have it. Don’t ask unless you want to know. Don’t ask if you can’t bear the burden without sharing.”

Upon thinking about my Ren:

“I know your true name. I know everything worth knowing. It’s Mine to keep for now. There may come a time when you need to have it, and you know who to go to for assistance.”

I think They’ve been more talkative in the last year than ever before in my life.