What I believe: god

I’m trying to sort out what I believe about various things so I can flesh them out and explore them a little more. This is a draft.

death, snow & chaos

In the winter twilight, everything is covered by a deep cover of snow. I doubt snow ever fell in Egypt, but walking in it always makes me feel close to some of the Names.

Wesir, the dead god who lives: everything in the ground is dead, but the potential for new growth still lives. Wesir is the force the of the black (fertile) land, and as Sokar-Wesir he is the potentiality for life that is inert, just before live is sparked anew.

Nebt-het, friend of the dead. The peace of the snow, the quiet hush that falls. The changed landscape. The harshness that is full of beauty.

Set, lord of chaos and changes. The routines that are spun like cars on ice, forcing us to reconsider how we normally do things. Car accidents and upset schedules and neighbours helping each other out.

the slide into agnosticsm

Sometimes it is very hard to believe.

Bawy Year & Nebthet

The Bawy Year has been interesting for me. I’ve gotten to know Heru-wer a lot better; in fact I’m surprised at how much He’s around. Set not so much, but we seem to have an understanding that if I work on what I need to work on, He’ll be satisfied.

Heru-wer has been on me for lessons that apparently my Mother is not getting through to me with. Truth be told, Aset has seemed quite distant this (Kemetic) year; Heru-wer, Nut, and Sekhmet have been at the forefront of things for me. Once this would have panicked me, but now I think I can take it in stride.

Heru-wer and Sekhmet are teaching me about strength of character/being strong/being who I am and prioritizing my life to be what I want it to be. Things have really come together over the past few weeks. I really started to ‘hear’ Them when I learned They sent me the netjeri. I definitely feel the birds when I’m being strong, and when I waver. I was told they were sent to ”keep me safe’. Originally my definition of “safe” was safe from physical harm, but I think they’re keeping me safe to grow, be strong, and be myself.

On just this side of sleep, when I’m more likely to get a message from Netjer Heru-wer told me He has been around to teach me to “use the backbone your Mother gave you” and “be more of Aset’s child”. I think I know what He means, heh.

Since Nebthet became a new Beloved, She nearly faded right off my radar. I was starting to have doubts about the divination; did She say yes simply because I asked? However, a few weeks ago I had what had to be one of the most intense experiences ever…from Her.

I remember Hemet describing Aset and Nebthet as “Super Intense Goddess #1 and Super Intense Goddess #2″, and yeah, Nebthet is “super intense”.

Year 15 thoughts

Obligatory year-planning post.

It’s odd/fitting that Heru-Wer is one of the Names of the Year. Ever since His saq, when He told me one of the bird-netjeri is from Him I’ve been getting to know Him a little better.And Set, well: I remember my terror at contemplating Him as one of my Beloveds when I was a beginner. But now I’m not scared of Him (as much!) anymore. I respect Him, He did threaten to “kick my ass” the other day.“If you won’t listen to Her, and you won’t listen to Our brother, trust Me; I’ll pay you a visit and kick your ass myself.”

Then He reminded me about His message from before (and Heru-Wer’s): respect.

It’s about you getting it, not just giving it. If they won’t give it then take it. Serves ‘em right.”

Uh, yes Sir!

This all happened while cleaning out a kennel at work. Such timing.

Anyways: plans

• Get the shrine room set up (yes – I have my own little room)
• Figure out a time to get W’ab training
• Do more senut
• Do more sau stuff
• Do more fedw
• Attend more fellowship stuff (online & off if possible)
• No more Beloveds! (heh.)
  
• Talk to my Akhu more
• Instead of bitching about what I don’t like, do something about it or at least try to set an example

January 22

For the last few years that I can remember, The Goddess of Heaven Goes South to the Road has fallen on my birthday. Now, I’m too mathematically-challenged and disorganized to figure out the calendar for 1979, but my best guess is that it’s likely I would have been rootnamed for Sopdet (Jan 22), Aset (Jan 19 “Aset is awakened by Ra”), Nit (Jan 20 “Feast of Nit”), or Heru-Shu, Amun, Ptah, Victory [Mekhir Festival], & Hethert (Jan 23; all except Hethert’s are 10-days feasts).

Or, my thinking could be completely flawed.

It’s just idle curiosity, but every year when I get the January calendar I check Who is in festival on my birthday

“meh”

When I’m depressed, I find it really hard to have a connection to Netjer. I used to think that it was because I was mentally or emotionally “impure” for Them, but I’ve come to realize that it’s not Them and it’s not me, it’s the chemicals (or lack therof) in my brain. I cannot feel Them, not because They’re not there, but because I can’t. Just like it’s nearly impossible for me to feel happy, content, capable, etc.

It’s just one more colour that depression takes away from me. It really bites, because this is a time when I need to feel Them, and I can’t.

However: I did get a visit from Yinepu last night. (Which is weird, because I actually physically felt it, although I was on the edge of sleep – it’s never happened to me before.) He’s a quiet one for me, but ever since I was a wee beginner in the House, He’s been the one who is able to pierce the darkness, thanks to Meresinpu’s guidance.

Conclusion: perhaps I’m going crazy, or the gods can find a way.

Depression is pretty much a constant in my life. It runs in my family, and I’ve suffered it for years. I have an extremely difficult time talking about it to people, so posts on my journals are about as much as I’m able to do, even with people who deal with it themselves.

Return of the Wandering Goddess

Time is not linear. It moves in cycles, like nature, like the universe.

Hethert returns, bringing a promise of sunlight, love, warmth, and prosperity. Do these things ebb and flow? For most of us, yes, they do. Maybe not in reality, but I know that sometimes I feel like I’m lacking any or all of those things.

The return of Hethert reminds me that joy will come back, golden and warm like the sunshine.

Weirdness

I have not been feeling well lately (fibro-wise and depression wise; although it’s likely they go hand-in-hand…) and I’ve been nearly falling asleep during the commute to and from work, and whenever we drive anywhere that’s longer than a 15 minute trip.

Today coming back from running errands, I fell into a weird dream-like state where I was remembering being at Tawy House last November. Set was there, (in Saq through Hemet) and called me up to ask Him what about Him I liked. “Your wife,” I replied. He chuckled. He was glad that I didn’t seem frightened of Him anymore “like the first saq” (my first online saq was with Him…it was intense). I told Him that I didn’t fear Him, but I respected Him, and understood His nature better.

I’ve been having increasing dreams/visions/daydreams of various Netjer speaking to me or showing me things. It’s really weirding me out, because I’ve never had Them be so chatty before. And it’s increasingly coming from Names I don’t know very well. Or I find once we talk that I do. That’s not really the weirdest thing. What’s weird is I have never been a person who heard things from Netjer. I occasionally would get a feeling or picture from Aset, but ever since Wep Ronpet, and especially since the Aset dream things have been a lot more loud and obvious.

I’ve been pondering doubt, skepticism, faith, and what I know to be true after going to the Coronation Retreat, so there’s a possibility of what might be going on (“Hello Wedjbai! We’re in here! Heh, heh!”)

Or, They’ve always been there and I’ve just been a blockhead and not been listening the right way.

It’s just new and rather odd for me. On one hand, I’m can’t say there’s not a kernel of doubt that it’s my imagination, but on the other…the things They say/show are beyond what I would be able give to myself.

(Ooh, and just so it’s clear: I’m not the one driving while this nodding-off is happening!)

A year

It’s been just over a year since I took Shemsu-Ankh vows at the first Coronation retreat at Tawy House. It’s been a year since I got to meet Hemet, Kai-Imakhu Ini & Antybast, Imakhu Sedjems, Hatyt, Tanebet, Taheri, Resut, Imty, Serut, Nakht, Iunet, Nari, Djesi, and Abekh.

Things really did change for me after going. I am so glad that I went, and took the vows. It affirmed my faith and started me off new again.

Now, after a year’s time I find myself longing to go back to Tawy. It’s not so much that I left a part of myself there, but I found a new part of myself.

I need to nurture the spiritual side of myself. I need to remember the things I was taught and now know to be true. Unfortunately things in my life tend to pull me away from my practicing my religion; although I am of the mind that ritual isn’t necessarily needed to have a connection to god (unless you are a priest, then it is part of your duties to the people and Netjer).

But I want to do more. I need to start up my Sau studies again. I want to reconnect to Wedjbai because sometimes she seems like a different person.